I've been gone, proper gone.
I've been in a proper "can't be arsed"-mood the last six months or so.
So yeah I've hit bottom, but atleast I've got firm ground under my feet now.
So..... onwards.

So we are all gonna die in swineflu, fruktosis makes us fat, spring is here, everyones pregnant and the ressesions has just become a word.
None of all of that is on my mind right now.
I'm having an age-crisis.
When I was 5 years old just about to turn 6, my dad asked me what I wanted for my b-day.I said:
"I wanna be 4 again."
And I've felt like that ever since. Can't you all see that we are being tricked? God...
I just refuse to belive that the meaning of life is to get old.
I've been thinking about this alot, the "meaning" of life. First of all I would like to say that I'm not convinced that there is a meaning, and I don't mean this in a fatalistic way, what I mean is just that I'm not sure that everything has a meaning. I think alot of people use that as an excuse for things; "When my husband left me I thought my life was over but then I met my new boyfriend and now my life's bloody brilliant, theres a meaning to everything that happens" yadayadayada.... that type of crap I mean. NO!
Well, since I am this way...not convinced everything has a meaning..... I haven't felt that I have to accomplish anything in particular.Don't get me wrong, I've always had goals, but more based on a what I want to do than on a what I feel I have to do basis, if that makes sense.
But now, I'm getting old and I'm starting to think that maybe I have missed something? Like I have done alot of things I have wanted to do through life so I'm not bitter or have any regrets or anything but I'm having this feeling "should I have wanted something else?" Like should I belive in something else? I don't belive in God or any other higher power, I don't belive in a "meaning" of life. The only thing I belive in is that random events form your life and who you become, but I also belive that it is up to each and every one of us to do what we want with those random events. It is up to YOU to decide who you want to be.
I chose to become what I am today and I like me, I'm just wondering.....would I be the same if I had done differently.... I would like to see a version of "sliding doors" starring me and my life, just to know. And am I getting too old to have another go?

Another thing I have done is to start writing a diary again, you know like a proper "write with a pen on paper" one, it's very theraputical. It's a little bit "artsy crafty" since I put quite a bit of time into it. But it helps getting alot out but the most interesting hing is to read it afterwards, not straight after not even a week after I've written something but maybe a year or even longer after. God it helps me stop myself from doing some mistakes over and over again! Right now I'm reading my diary from the year before I moved to England, and I am acctually quite pleased! I wrote about all those things I wanted to do and things and I have acctually done quite a few of those things! Go ME!

I'm gonna try and perk myself up now. I'm setting new goals. I have never failed to reach a goal I have written down. So I'm of to write my diary again. And I have it all figured out in my mind. I'm not gonna change the world but I'm gonne turn my world around.

tata for now
X
emanoN